I gave up

I guess I realized I love my boyfriend a lot and i'm not going to let him go.

I stopped talking to them and it's not hurting me

Now my best friend is a douche and his girl friend is annoying and have been pissing me off to the point I've almost called my dealers these past couple weeks.

He also lied to me and the money I spent majority on my friends was apparently my graduation money. Thanks ass hole.

Can't Let Go

I want the end to begin but not without you,
so easy for me to speak not complete my actions,
divide me that way I can love and hate you baby,
torn between stayin' or keepin' you with me,
I can't let go.

Why, I hate wondering it's killing me every second, not being able to talk to you drives me mad. It's been two days and it feels like years. Now I know why I did heroin. to escape and let the days go by faster.

This love is so dysfunctional,
It leaves me so emotional,
can't take it anymore but I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go.
I try my hardest to break free,
I'm so locked up and you got the key,
I'm in way too deep and I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go oh oh no
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go.

It's like you possessed my brain, I'm addicted. Your always on my mind and I can't get away.

Was sold but now I regret the day that we met,
didn't know that I could hate someone that I love,
I fell in too far and now I'm drownin' save me,
I want to leave you but my heart's sayin,
I can't let go.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and other times I wish I couldn't. These feelings from the past are coming back and I'm not strong as I thought I was.

This love is so dysfunctional,
It leaves me so emotional,
can't take it anymore but I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go.
I try my hardest to break free,
I'm so locked up and you got the key,
I'm in way too deep and I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go.

Please don't do this to me. I need you so bad, no one else can replace you, how you are, the looks, the piercings, tattoo's. Why are you everything I always wanted? You literally know everything that has happened and I can't get away.

No matter how hard I may try,
it just won't die,
the many memories haunt my mind,
I can't understand why,
I still hold on, what went wrong,
tell me is it my fault,
I need to know,
don't wanna guess anymore,
I know I should leave you alone but I just can't let go

I can only cry when you pull away, these memories make me hurt, don't do this. Just tell me the honest truth.

This love is so dysfunctional,
It leaves me so emotional,
can't take it anymore but I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go.
I try my hardest to break free,
I'm so locked up and you got the key,
I'm in way too deep and I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go oh oh no
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go.

How is possible that you can save me, kill me then save me so much. Reason to live, why I lie to others but what has happened cause I know their not like you. They get into fights they know are it is. Mature serious but lil bit of goofy, instruments vocals, personality everything I always wanted and the photos I can't let go, I never could let you go. Even with others you were always on my mind, even on heroin you were always on my mind. Like a leech, can never get away till I die.

Tis an old photo of me, when I was with you, trying to forget, on heroin.

The Funerals went well for today, just wished I didn't see Tobor, I hate him.

Fighting doesn't solve anything in the long run, it can cause grudges and then will find a way to bite you in the ass again.

After the funerals I went home got ready to go to graham, not walking in a short corset dress especially on the sidewalks. Bad things.

Saw some friends did the video and was glad that a friend of mine did mine. Just in case I graduate, ugh I hate OGTs.

PLEASE BE REAL you're the only people that can save me, make em truly happy. DON"T LET IT BE HER, fuck I don't know what would happen if it was her. GO AWAY TEARS I cant hold them back. They make me so happy, I can tell 'em everything. I truly love someone more than my fiance who passed away and that's saying something.

I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. Try not to go back how it was a year ago when I started to do heroin. I need to release these negative emotions but they won't leave me, they cling to me like a demon.

Can't Pass Through

"How can you stay calm when he's dead? He loved you and you denied him! He protected you, tried to fight this guy cause what he's done to you and you don't even shed a tear! My fiance is in a coma and I'm going insane!"
"Vicki I'm sorry... I didn't want it to be like this"
"Why can't you die?! Raven, Michael would be alive! It's all your fault"
"You think I didn't cope when Raven died? Yes I couldn't cry cause of the shock and i know he wouldn't want me to be sad"
"Fuck you Bella, you could never die. You've tried so much and you can't, I hate you cause people close to you die. I hope you die!"
"I'm sorry Vicki..."

Three Days ago Rave died from being stabbed and broken bones, yesterday Vicki Committed suicide.

I do wonder how the fuck I'm alive, and why I am alive. I wish Raven never died from fighting and that Vicki didn't commit suicide. I wish my fiance didn't die from a motorcycle accident as well as his brother. I wished Hitami never committed suicide when I was five years old. I've been blamed for peoples death and they wonder why I don't cry. I bottle it up. It's not easy seeing their body then the casket being closed watching them go down into the Earth. In all 19years of my life I've gone to 50 funerals. I'm not joking. How many have I been blamed for? 20. It's not easy watching my loved ones and my best friends die, or even walking in my cousin who committed suicide. How am I here? Cause I'm important to people despite sometimes i wish I could die, but I may never know who might try the same thing. I hate that feeling that something is stuck in your throat cause your holding back. I wish I never called him because I was going to get beaten up, maybe if I got beaten up he wouldn't have died. I've planned 7 funerals including Raves and Vicki's.

I wish I could cry like others so easily, to let my emotions out, but I raised to hold it back. If my parents ever saw me cry I was punished. I was taught to be like a guy but at the same time to be alone.

"Isabella he's dead, he whispered I love you, do you want me to see you I have Michael"

"Bells, I'm sorry he's....dead"

"Is Bella there"
"Speaking"
"Vicki Hayes committed suicide next to her fiance"

"It's your fault my daughter died, if it wasn't for you she'd be alive"

"Don't be liked Caged canary Sarah"

"I love you my wife"
" Bella your fiance passed away"

"I'm sorry to say Nikolas Oswal died he didn't make it"

I couldn't move I stared in shock I couldn't call anyone, my cousin died when I walked in

"You piece of shit I hope you suffer so much"

"Fucking black cat of misfortune I hope you rot in hell"

It's not easy as everyone's words haunt every second even in my dreams. Wishing this was all just a nightmare, but it's not. Even accepting their deaths, I'm still being sucked into the madness and with other issues I've gone mentally unstable. I can't handle this. Yes Vicki I know you're watching, and there have been times I almost gave into suicide like you. Maybe some day we'll all be together and be able to hang out. I'm sorry that I'm causing others pain but I'm trying to feel better for all my sins by helping people. But not even the weight of on my shoulders can even brush the thinnest dust off my shoulder.

And yes I did take this photo of a friend of mine.

Thousand shades of everything

I broke up with my boyfriend today. Thought it was for the best. I'm not getting help and I'm not getting better. I feel bad that he's hurting so much, but he doesn't understand that it is for the best. I hate breaking up with people but it is for the best.

Screaming and crying in my sleep again, I'm really hating my past and all the shit I've done that is literally fucking me over. I just hope i don't end up like my cousin, I've been getting into fights again. Was taken to the hospital and got some stitches, fuckin knife fights. Thank goodness I said I was on my friends health plan and the bill is being sent to her place.

I'm so confused, I can't get away. I wish I could, I wish I was stronger enough but these damn emotions are messing me up. Sometimes I think it's easier to be emotionless like i use to. Less problems. I don't know anymore, I can't think like an average person can.

I'm so paranoid when family comes over it's bad enough when I'm around crowds I think someone is going to kill me. I feel like I'm drugs when I'm not on any. Then again it's cause of withdraw from months ago, it's from other issues. I hate being fucked over by people. I want a new life, a new brain.

I don't mind being alone, a day of being alone was nice despite my brain yelling and the thoughts. I don't mind being curled up in a ball, I hate thinking that something is here when there isn't and it's going to kill me.

Someday I'll be taken. Soon I bet.

Fading.

So I had fun when a friend came over but before and after I've been wanting to be alone. And no I'm doing drugs, I just want to be alone. Fighting doesn't bother me but it's only so I can be with my group. But other than that I've just been fading away from others cause I want to be alone.

I'm not getting help from my aunt so I just want to be alone and deal and think about things myself. It's also making me want to be alone so I won't hurt someone or lash out.

Never learned

If this makes sense I'm going to be so surprised. I lied, I didn't want others to worry. I HATE YOU STOP THESE TEARS I started talking to them, the old emotions that came back felt so nice, STOP LEAVE ME it hurts so much, I can't stop crying the craving for heroin is so strong. I want to give in but I cant. Until I hear tomorrow is what will decide. I don't know what to do anymore. I CAN'T LET GO. I can't focus, I don't know what to do, I WHY I just want to punch a mirror smoke, drink go back to drugs. I can't do this. I need to fight some body I just I need pain. I feel so numb... Till tomorrow.... is when I find out and when we'll know what to do...

Lost too much blood and his body couldn't
accept the blood. His skull got damaged from the motorcycle accident
and later on that was added to the list.

I really don't know
what to do in life. Three years was like eternity for me him. We've
even dated and thinking back why did we break-up? He made my insanity
go away, he stitched me up for free thanks to his doctor degree, and
yet he taught what he loved the most. Ice Skating and trapeze, and men
you may laugh but I doubt you can perform without a safety net and all
that. He's saved me so many times from parents, school, people, myself.

I think back to the memories and I try not to cry.


11:55pm April, 11th I get a call from his older brother Nikolas. "He's
dead" silence for minutes shaking trying not to cry. "Me and Matt are
here, do you want me to pick you up?" I keep shaking and start to cry.
I go under my blankets sobbing louder. My chest starts to hurt thanks
to breast cancer and I slowly breath "no". I couldn't think my mind was
empty till he said "He loved you so much" I started to sob again
wondering how could someone who was basically my other half be gone.
"Bells do you want me to visit?" I whisper a no then bye and we hang
up. I cry more ignoring my chest hurting, lungs hurting.

I
didn't know who to tell, who I could let someone hear me cry and just
cry. I didn't want to bother anyone this late. I call my friend who
lets me just cry over the phone. I told him and I cry harder thinking
about the memories that happened. He had to go and I used my acting to
skills to prove I was okay and afterwords I just cried myself to sleep.


I wanted to visit him but after the call, I couldn't see his 3 degree
burns, my prince that turned into the beast. His long silver hair
matted with blood, gashes on his sides. I couldn't even whisper I love
you for the last time and kiss him like I did two days ago when he
seemed fine. But then again he could have acted to me so I wouldn't
worry.

I don't think I've ever felt so numb, no one to help
control my insanity when I lose it, to take care of me when I can't
stay at home. Or just someone to talk to about everything.

I
wanted him to do my reference but he said he couldn't. I understand why
he couldn't talk and why he wrote that. But I just wished he could of
cause I know it would have been outstanding. I just wish he could have
lived longer.

For those who really know me the last time I
wore a dress I was 2 years old. He always tried and I put the dress on
just so he could see and no one else. For the funeral I'm going to wear
his favorite dress. It's black v-neck corset dress. I plan to wear
black heeled shoes. with the choker he gave me.

I'm
thinking of dying my hair not red. He wanted to see me with blonde hair
and when my hair goes back to it I'll dye it black with red highlights
just for him.I won't bleach my hair cause it wouldn't be my natural
hair color.

Where ever he is i hope he is happy. I hope that
he also knows that I always loved him and only him despite all the shit
we've gone through.

Rest in Peace Leon Oswal

Why

The reason why so much has happened is cause of one thing. Heroin.

Now for those who are wondering things are fine with me and my boyfriend. As well as with some people.

But today. Things were going really well till I decided to check my myspace. FUCK WHY NOW?! Seriously why now?! Thin gs are starting to go really well, with me and people. It's been about I don't know how many months being clean but why? It's so hard when a friend is sitting right next to me. But I don't know what to do. It's starting hurt, the craving is really strong, I want cigarettes. Can I ever escape? Will this ever end? Can I ever escape? I'm getting tired of this I really am. I don't know what to do, I'm afraid. But I don't know what to do. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll go the the wrong path and fuck everything up again. I can't do this. But I can't go away, I'm afraid to ignore, I'm afraid to accept. I can't pick. I wish this was just a dream like repo men. I just want something happy, why can't I be happy? I've been dealing with being mentally unstable, I'm aching, it's hurting. Thank goodness I'm good at acting.

Either way I just don't want to go back to calling my dealer, is it wrong that a part of me does. To escape reality, and hope it's just a bunch of lies. I feel like throwing up but I can't. I just need to get away. Why now...

Relating to a movie

Have ever you ever seen a clip or a scene from a movie and be like 'yeah that's how I felt' or 'this is how I'm feeling'.

Having two names suck, one that's really popular and another that a book/movie destroyed.

I hate it when your really tired till someone tells you something and you can't go to sleep anymore. Or you tried and you dreamed of the situation you never wanted to experience. Maybe I'm over thinking again, and that something isn't really wrong. but I can't tell my brain to stop.

My thoughts are racing so fast that I can't even pick up what I'm thinking, the echoing is driving me insane but I promised I wouldn't do anything. Maybe after hanging out with everyone. I'm just afraid he'll tell me goodbye. No more.

So weird how person can affect someone so much. He didn't say <3 or I love you but earlier he did. He said we need to talk tomorrow. I can't stop thinking, my breathing isn't helping. Then again I smoked about what? 4 ciggs when I told myself I'll stop. I'm so tempted to buy a pack and get a case from Tropical Trends or HT. I can't get alcohol but I need something to calm me down. But I promised no cutting and if I do I fear I'll do it how I use to. Aggressive. I don't have nails to dig into myself but I want to punch a mirror or something to feel pain. I need everything to stop. It's driving me insane, making my head hurt. I wish I wasn't fucking unstable. I hate how one person got me to stop and now that things are going down everything is as well. I have a feeling i won't eat as much, just lie to others saying i did. I can't still taste you nicotine, and your the only thing that's helping me right now.

I hate you Bella Swan as I know what it's like, but you destroyed my name and I can't tolerate the jokes. But I know what it's like to lose the one you love.

Shell of Nothing

"Call me back later" *never picks up*

"You've made me very very very happy" *rarely ever talk*

"What's wrong?" "Just woke up" "Oh, want me to let you go back to sleep" "it's okay"

I feel like there's nothing really going on anymore, he says he is but nothing really happens with us. I know it's harder since I don't have texting but I feel so distant. Like there's nothing between us. I don't know what to expect other than when I call it doesn't hurt anymore when he doesn't pick up. This isn't a good mind set but I don't know what to do, he's always busy. I love him and he says he loves me but it feels like there's nothing. Just a distant abyss. It doesn't bother me that i can't cry really or when I do it happens when I'm alone. I just feel like an empty shell walking around despite the time he can make me laugh. But not like how things use to be. I don't know anymore...

I took that photo and i know it's blurry and can't tell but I like it that way, I think it has more emotions to it.

Is this how it should be?

A lot has happened since "Screaming".

My middle brother moved back in due to his room mate living with his girlfriend. Help packing was not fun. And now back to how I'm not like my brother and how I can be better. THANKS FOR MAKING LIFE SHITTY

Me and my ex are back together, I'm happy but why do I feel like we're so distant I MISS YOU(no pun intended) He's only about 6hrs away since he's staying at his dorm. DON'T LEAVE ME.We're happy but I feel like it's hard to explain, then again maybe my expression will show ya.

Somebody deleted me SLUT because I told her to delete photos of me in her Photography people album (her photography sucks, floating heads, creeper boyfriend and bad over edited photos)POSER and she deleted me because I told her a professional photographer asks to upload.DUMB ASS. And she copies peoples lives and personalities and complains about things when her life is basically perfect.

I am getting help from my aunt and it's helping. Her son that committed suicide due to drugs and so many mental problems. It's actually helping but at the same time it feels like withdraw from heroin.

"You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie
You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke?It's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive"

Nikki Sixx you prove an excellent proof. Sad thing I've already gone through that, I'm starting to miss heroin.I NEED YOU. And it is because it has done a huge impact on me, I'm mentally unstable HELP and I don't really know what to do. I want to rely on people but I'm so afraid. I feel like I can only go to SpaceCadet *sorry if i miss spell it's 3:11am). I hate how me and my boyfriend are far but yet not, I just need to be comforted and I'm not getting that.

March 28th-29th I started screaming in my sleep again and again my mum wasn't home. The 30th I almost called my dealer, almost punched a mirror and would have been sent to the hospital. I've been trying not to cut but I can't help but give in. Been called a skank and my low self esteem isn't help.

"This is just a courtesy call
(Why'd you want to save me?)"

I wonder about this so much, I think I just bother people because I'm not stable and that I have gone through way too much for my own good. I've tried to disappear but I'm always saved. Maybe there's a reason, like to help my friends and my boyfriend.

The Heroin Diaries is what saved me, when reading it i knew what to expect and how to save myself from getting worse, but like shadows it's always there and will always be lurking no matter what.

"And I sold my soul"

Ever since I was five year old when my friend died from suicide I've always tried, I lost a piece of a me that I can never regain.TAKE ME. I tried everything, I prayed I was a private School Pre K-8th grade and it was hell. YOU NEVER HELPED. When I was in the 4th grade, God was the devil. Free will? AHAHAHAHAHAHA. There is not just one higher power, if he loved everyone and created everyone to love others then why don't gay people get married? YOU SECRETLY HATE EVERYONE GOD. I don't believe in it. It has always made me angry, everyone dies when it's time, yeah being fucking abused so they commit suicide is their time? Fuck you God. Private Schools destroyed me, girls are evil bitches that love attention and drama (not all but majority).

This is not organized, It's 3:25 and I can't sleep. SAND MAN WHERE YOU? I can't stand the yelling and the schoing. LALALALALA I bit my nails cause my nails were digging into my head then I made sure there weren't sharp. IT FELT NICE. I really don't know what to do, I'd be in college but the ogts are messing over. THANKS FOR NOT HELPING ME.

I'll take some photos later today. Some Black and white ones...

Screaming

Iw as waken up two times due to screaming in my sleep. For those who know me, that doesn't happen. The last time that happened was when I was 9 years old for a reason no one knows and I mean NO ONE. After the second time my mum was wondering if things were okay and I told her it was just nightmares, the thing was it wasn't. It was a part of my past that I thought I could never remember, but because of what is going on, those things are coming back.

I talked to my aunt and she wants me to go to college here then move up there so I can get some help. The thing is the idea of how i wanted to do the second closest to graduating is 18months which is a year and a half. I don't know really, it's all to much...

Might Not Get Better/Might End UP Like Him

"I'm getting worse, the screaming, hallucinations, it's not easy hearing them echo, they won't leave. Always reminding, telling me to cut, to drugs, reminding me by showing my past I can't take it. I can't get better, I might do what my cousin did. There are times I hold my head wanting to scream back making it stop but it doesn't. My dreams have been reminding me and I'm afraid something is going to happen to make my parents realize".

It's been at least 5 months of being off ALL drugs I haven't been smoking ciggs but I've been cutting. Not harsh and aggressive like I use to. I can't sleep well because I've been haunted, my brain is so messed up because of drugs and the things I have gone through. I'm not stable, and some people aren't understanding of it. They think it won't last long, this has been going on for about a month and some friends are just driving me up the fucking wall. I'm already confused, I don't understand my emotions anymore it's like the opposite, sometimes I lash out when I don't mean to, haven't been remembering recent things. I've been so close on trying to kill myself. I really don't know what to do then other than try to understand it.

I hate seeing things I don't want to remember, that I blocked out but now it's escaping and reminding me, the echos of not just me but from my past as well won't stop, seeing someone isn't helping. I need to call my aunt whose son has gone through almost the exact same thing. I'm afraid of what I would do, what I can do and what would happen.

"You don't belong here Hells"
"Then where do I belong?"
"Your suppose to be dead a long time ago"
"Death didn't want me"
"Be careful, death might take you when your finally happy again"
"I know... it's just driving me insane, I'm afraid to date. I've always been known as the black cat of misfortune"
"Try to live Hells, but just to let ya know some terrible things are going to happen to you"

My friend Raven and I talked on Thursday and what's weird is he's kinda right and I'm afraid of what will happen tonight, thankfully nothing really bad happened yesterday night but instead of the afternoon and Friday morning was ugh. I think today will be tonight, lets see what happens.

Run In

This is the second time this month I saw my dealer. The first time i was lucky that a cop was passing by and asked if there was anything wrong and I told him to get the fuck away from me. The cops asked some questions and i told him I felt harassed and I don't want to be asked any questions Thankfully the cop didn't ask me any questions. Today I noticed someone was walking behind me while going to udf and this time I went before 3am I went around 2am and I saw again one of my old dealers. I went in got some water and I noticed he was getting ice cream and I quickly just buy my water since they didn't have any of the crystal light to go and so I just bought the water and left. I quickly went home and locked both doors because I was paranoid and I didn't want to meet one of 'em. It's weird having this feeling in your gut like their after you and trying to get you back but it's ugh. I don't want to, my boyfriend makes me happy despite the distance and he's like me we can be hurt easily cause of our past.
I don't know, I just want to hold onto my boyfriend, I miss him and I don't know if I can wait till the summer.

Haunting

Being bullied is not easy to go through, and to make sure it doesn't get worse, almost everyone believes the bully cause they have money or almost everyone is their friend. When your a loner it's harder cause you have no one to go to and your parents don't care about you. The only way to feel better is by drugs, smoking or self harm. When your stuff is being searched or thrown out the windows you can't do anything. If you try to stand up it gets worse. People just watch and not do anything cause they fear they might be the next victim.
Being bullied in Middle School, Elementary School and a few years of HS. For those who don't know I started smoking when I was 9 years old. I started to do wweed and slowly went up since I was 10. I did cocaine my sophomore year then heroin. I was also cutting myself, why self harm? School was terrible and so was home. I used to be abused till I started to live with my aunt. People to her not to let may stay there cause of her oldest son who suffered Bi Polar, Schizophrenia, Clinical Depression, and Multi personality disorder. At the time I was clinical depressed and not knowing that I was going through MPD. Switching schools is also hard because you know no one and they don't know you and the groups were already formed.

Why am I writing this? Why am I holding my pocket knife that's sharper than my dagger? Throwing up when I use to be anorexic and bulimic because of being bullied. My memories are kicking in and I'm happy with my boyfriend but he isn't feeling well and he has morning and afternoon classes so I don't want to bother him. So I'm cutting to feel better despite my head is hurting so I'm throwing up. I just want to forget things. I really do. I hate it when your really happy and your past reminds you why you can't happy. It really sucks I'm afraid to call people because it's 1:32am and I don't want to bother anyone. I called my longest friend around 12:59am and I told him to go back to sleep cause he really was but I'm feeling worst and I don't know what to do. I don't want to call my old dealer I don't want to disappoint my boyfriend but I need to feel better.

Hello World

This is just a reminder for when she wakes up. Of course since I am new she won't remember what happen. Like the bloody mess from the shattered mirror and the holes in the wall. Revenge, anger, murder, evil it's what I am, then again the sluts are going to school tomorrow unless they don't which might be a good thing for her. Oh how this amuse me, yet she couldn't tell what is going on other than one of us has appeared and is new. It's such a shame, little did she know when she looks more like a boy and talks in our low voice she didn't know that it was me.

"Baby..did you forget to take you meds?"
So glad she stopped taking them, they were giving me a headache and it made us more angry. Are you shocked yet from the different perspective? The fact it's not her usual rant and how her brain is messed up. Little does she know that she is like her cousin, poor girl in denial. It's a good thing her other ones don't want me to take over, her life would be easier and not by drugs, no no no I couldn't stand those.

Well seems like she is starting to realize that one of us taking over.

Zeraku.

Dreams can be nice but the remembering can be deadly

I usually have weird dreams and there's things in them that have a meaning and in someways I wish they didn't. It's impossible for me not to over think.

Like would the people who never talk to me actually try to stop me if I moved to somewhere else? The fact that I love Slytherin I do have Gryffindor qualities but in the end more of Slytherin. And the person who made me do heroin because of what she did to me STOP REMINDING ME and she has reminded me a couple days ago PLEASE STOP is reminded in my dreams and appear. Yeah two years of suffering and doing heroin THANKS BITCH why must these things appear in my dream? The others I don't care about but these two! STOP REMINDING ME It's driving me insane.

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday."
Everyday someone saying something or the feeling that made me use it, that now has given me side effects. Am I scary? I don't remember how I use to be and that's the scary thing.

"Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind."

Ever since I went to who my parents rather have as their child YOU NEVER CARED birthday party is when it all started. The day after as well. The things the pretender didn't know but they did. And did it was starting to happen. Emotions, I never felt so happy. THANKS FOR DESTROYING ME SLUT.
"Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home."
There were times I thought wait a minute CAN'T HAPPEN and I listened to what people said SO TRUE but when things were bad they were there. FUCK YOU. The second year not so much because I was pulling away slightly.WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE LEAVE MY HEAD! I started to put some facts together like the one time they were on and she was on the phone I heard keyboard typing, on her computer their names were there to sign in. The fact her one friend who was forced to be the sister admitted. CREEPY SLUT LEAVE ME ALONE. But when they signed in and made 'em felt better I gave in till I said no they aren't real.IT'S STILL HERE, THANKS, HOPE YOU DIE. They can't be with the facts (they were more). And when she admitted it was when I was basically free basing two-three times a day. IT MADE ME SO MUCH BETTER AWAY FROM EVERYTHING.

"She's lost inside, lost inside"

"It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside."

I started to use heroin so much and when school started I did it the night before when I got back from school.MADE ME RELAX. Did anyone notice? NO ONE CARED No, hell I started to pass my classes but there was one thing I couldn't pass, OGT's. But I was always close when I was on it.

So why is my dreams reminding me of them? LEAVE ME ALONE! Was it cause I want them to be real and know I can be happy again? FUCK YOU EMOTIONS! Or is it because no matter where I go, I'm always going to be reminded. WISH I COULD SHOOT MY BRAINS AND STILL LIVE. Fuck I can't stand this anymore, it's driving me insane, it's making want to go back to my golden boy. MAKE ME FORGET AGAIN.

It's so weird being alone, no one to talk to.

' Your fault your fault hahahaha look at you'

'Stupid'

'Welcome back, would you like one of us to take over again?'

'ha ha ha *laughs*'

*Pouts* 'Good job no more clothes no more food, now your going to be an empty shell'

Except my mpds are going crazy, who would have thought. "baby did your forget to take your meds" If only they worked... No cause it made them worse

All alone in my room when the space is closing on me spinning rapidly as I hold onto my head trying to make it stop. I was so close I called 'em but then I hanged up, problem is they know where I live. FUCK shit this is the not way I need to go FUCK YOU SLUT for reminding me of them. THEY AREN'T REAL YOU TOLD HER ME HIM leave me alone please leave me alone. I'm not stable I'm really not LEAVE ME ALONE. So I told him to take a break I was scared he was yelling I was trembling my body wouldn't stop all the muscles were so tense they started to hurt I had to wait till my body was fully relaxed.

"If you can run in stelletoes your a hooker" SLUT stop reminding me of my childhood/past. All I can do it smile and make sure no one can tell. I hate him HAHAHA CAN'T ESCAPE I can't escape the past as much as I want to. I don't know what to do. "He's real" SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE I don't want to go back once I am back to average but after we take a break you remind me. Stop trying! CRAZY I can't fall back I can't go back. TEMPTED to go back and do it but I can't "I think you need to see someone it will help you" LALALALAHAHAHAHAHA no I can't I don't want to, they know so much and fucked me up. They say they want to help to help you but they lie! Their LIARS! They tell everything to them and make your life worse at home, I know what it's like to go to the asylum. I need to get out... Thanks to him I'm not use to being alone and I'm slowly slipping of not being sane.

Song:
"baby did your forget to take your meds"-Meds Placebo

""-Quotes from people
' '- MPDS

Giving up Everything

("this is the
last tear you'll never cry,")

For once i'm not cold, maybe it's cause my long nails are digging into me. Holding back letting the tears shed as I sent it. Is this okay? Is it alright as I'm already thinking of doing heroin or oding?
("I walk alone
Think of home
Memories of long ago
No one knows, I lost my soul long ago")
The phone is under my pillow I can easily call them, I can easily go back to way life as before I met 'em.

It's 5:37am and no sleep, I'm sore, bruised and even cut,("Pain, I like it rough") but it felt so good to be called Silver Wolf. It felt good to be in my old group when we use to walk the streets laughing and playfully fighting, till we actually got into fights. ("SO DON’T SAVE ME!!!") And that's when it started, I use to hang out with my oldest brother's friends and they taught me to fight. I got really good and I joined 'em, we weren't a gang just a group of friends and if someone wanted to fight us we'd fight back. My favorite colour is silver and when I fought I'd have a stance of a wolf. Hence how i got my name Silver Wolf, it felt nice to be with them smiling and laughing and fighting together. Damn why must I see them as brothers?

("you take me away.
To another place, so far away.
So far away. ")

Almost all the guys I hang out with are like brothers but everything. I mean for the first time I was with someone who wasn't attractive, but I can't really stand it anymore (okay that's a lie i can, I loved him 'cause he had an amazing personality. Plus he wasn't that bad)("I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye"). But I can't help a blind person when my eye sight is getting worse. ("I hate everything about you Why do I love you") I just don't think I could help drive and help someone when my eye sight is going down as well.
("And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty")

I left the house around 4:10am and didn't get home till 5am so why am I now writing when it's now 5:45? Cause I had to tend my bruises and cuts and then I started to lay down. I couldn't fall asleep and I was digging my nails in my arms and thighs ("Pain, I like it rough")hoping that the thoughts that raced around would leave me alone. They didn't, things started to echo, my MPD's weren't helping and my right temple was hurting again which was making my eye hurt. I thought I could call my old dealer ("It takes my pain away.") or OD, it literally took me 10minutes to decide which way to go.

("Sharp pain when you breathe in deep
no one to catch your insecurities")

I decided to let go of my everything and give it to someone else. I was in pain and I decided to take my dad's pain pills, Tylenol, advil and some other medicine. In the past I have OD and gotten my stomach pumped and so I was testing how strong my stomach was hoping the pain would go away. After 15 minutes my stomach stopped hurting but then it would go on and off. I was feeling a lil dizzy but after another 10mins I felt fine. I didn't know what was wrong but I did know the pain is gone.

So why didn't I call somebody instead of going back to my old self? I didn't have anyone to call. The person who I usually call and all that is who I'm pulling away from (stupid huh?) ("I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose."). But this one person I know would be helped and so much happier with this person. So I'm pulling away from this person and giving to another to be happy.
("This won't break your heart
But I just think it could
Cause I haven't tried as hard as I should
To separate you from everything I do")

"Why don't you be selfish for once Silv?"
"I guess after everything I've done to myself and hurt others in the past, I guess it's the only thing. I know I need things because my parent's don't give a shit unless I'm like my brothers. But I just can't"
"Is that why you go to us? To not be like your brothers? And try to find yourself? If so I can relate but your going the wrong way dear. It's fun seeing you with us: laughing and fighting. But your body is more fragile, why don't you take care of yourself and try to spoil yourself for once love"
"Rav I can't, when I'm with you guys I don't feel like I'm going the wrong way, I feel like I'm having fun. It's a part of who I am ever since Damian, I don't care if I'm more fragile, I just.... I can't spoil myself unless I know the other person who is letting me being spoiled gets something in return"

("Now I'm thinking back
To what I said before
I hope your heart won't have to hurt anymore
Cause it's really not that sad from here")
("Leave out all the rest")

He patted my head and let me rest my head on his shoulder, I do have a weak body, my body will start trembling and I have to wait till it calms for the muscles to relax. It takes 5-30mins, it's a pain (literally) especially after crying really hard.
("I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect")

("She just walked away
Why didn't she tell me
And where do I
Go tonight")
I hate not being able to tell people in person,maybe it's because when someone cries I tend to cry as well. And so I tend to do it over e-mail or phone because I can't see or hear. I just think it's better than this way and I know the other person would say don't make my choices, well thanks for making me feel like I don't have a choice. This person is very close to me, my longest true friend that hasn't left me.
("That now I'm okay
And for the first time
I've opened up my eyes") I don't really know the true definition of I love you, now i have truly loved Leon and I still can't get over him.
("I'd give you my heart,
And let you just hold it.
I'd give you my soul,
But I already sold it.")

Doing this for someone better ignoring myself and going back to how thing used to be is fine with me. As long as I know their better and happy. I can deal with be calling a special child because I have learning disability that's effecting how I process things. I'm use to be treated like I'm retarded and I know someone who I'm giving everything to saying she doesn't won't ever but how she says it and acts proves her wrong. It's been an hr writing this and searching (6:34am) and I'm wide awake. Thank goodness I'm use to being alone. ("While these walls surround me with the story of our life")

("This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong")

Bands:
Jimmy Eat World-Pain
Three Days Grace-Pain, Never Too Late, I hate (everything about you),Last To Know, On My Own
Linkin Park-Leave Out All The Rest
Trapt-The Last Tear
Hollywood Undead-Circles
Finger Eleven-I'll Keep your Memory Vague
Brokencyde-Kandyland
Red:Pieces