Is it wrong I want her dead?

When your parents never loved you it makes sense when you want to beat one of your friends who is dating your ex. Copy's what you like and thrives for attention. Thinking it has to be this way and making others look like crap saying I'm glad she left, why do you say that when she's one of your best friends? Getting things when she never did anything and you so all the hard work. She always pisses me off, and she fails to dance dirty (epic fail) as well as pose. Choosing the wrong people and doesn't care, she chooses the person who decides to mentally fuck someone up so they do hardcore drugs and cause of other reasons. Right choose *sarcastic* Now I don't give a shit about my ex but just everything, now why am I her friend? I don't know I don't really call her my friend anymore cause she never talks to me. Unless it's about things that I say then steals 'em call 'em hers. I don't even know the point anymore, she rather keep it but no matter how hard I try it fails. Maybe cause she took everything I ever wanted and flaunted it in my face.

I hate it when it's freezing cold and you can't help that your clinical depressed and not on meds. I stopped taking meds for one mental problem and it made me sick.

Yesterday I went shopping with the usual group (Ify, Pat and Stacey)it was really fun and I was glad i was able to get out of the house. After shopping I went back to Stacey's house, did her make-up and hair. Then we went to Audrey's Rave. It was really cool, despite someone was trying to dirty dance and it was an epic fail. The music was fun the man it made me miss going to raves and clubs. Had a good time but why is it that things happen when you're alone?

When everything is crashing? I swear sometimes I feel like gollum, okay me and gollum share the same problem. MPD, then again gollum didn't do drugs, he was too obsessed with the ring. ... I'm such a nerd.

My best friend edited the photo, I love it.

Well it's been awhile and I can say Sweet Comforting Lies is leaving me alone more. My birthday has already happened and family drama is going away.

my best guy friend gave me a credit card o_O weird I know, but he truly loves me, and me? Well kinda but not like him.

Nothing really is going on but with this aggressive wind is reminding of my first boyfriend and it's not good.

Good thing is I get to hang out with spacecadet (forgive me if that's spelled wrong) and two other amazing people.

"Monster, how shall I feel I feel" yeah deep down I am a monster, despite I can be nice there is a deep dark one. Just as well as my black heart. (I love Black Black heart). I almost went off yesterday and called my dealer thankfully I just walked in the freezing cold with wind beating my face.

I should update more. I'll try to.

Hot topic (Not The Store)

So I was asked to go to a Thanksgiving meal this Thursday. Well when I told my parents that it was from a church group they asked why? I thought you were atheist? No I'm not I just don't believe in your god I believe in many. Like the sun god? No it's hard to explain, I'm open for bull shit.

That's how it usually goes. I can never really explain cause she wouldn't get it and she'd mix it up. Well my great grandma is Cherokee and she believed in the sun god and all that. I call myself wiccan and if I told her that she'd say it's a bunch of bull shit and make fun of it. My mum is Catholic or Christian (not much of a difference) I went to a Catholic school and debated against the religion for many years. It doesn't make sense at all.

I had to plan a funeral that's this Wednesday and the parents were total ass holes, arguing how it's not there way and other things. (Even had to show 'em my speech cause they were up tight about it). It was a pain and I'm so glad it's going to happen.

How I've been is another time. With stress I wish we could just disappear for a couple days and come back. That would be so nice. I just hate some people and how close minded they can be.

Waiting Farewell

I don't even know how to start other than the fact my head is spinnig and racing. I promised I wouldn't do it and I'm trying so hard as I'm alone.

Waiting for hours staying by his side till his operation. Would things have gone better if he went when instead of waiting? OR would things be the same, I have no clue.

I wrote a poem for the first time in a couple months. First time it got deleted and it made me sad but this one still gets the point.

It's so hard not to do anything, my sharp objects are in the drawer my phone by side, anything can happen. But I'm fighting despite how hard I want to give in with these lachrymose.

He didn't make it through the operation... I whispered it by his door as he was being operated on and I hope he heard it. I told him before the operation but it's not the same, I wasn't with him. I lost not only his younger brother but now him.

RIP Nikolas Oswal

Slowly giving in

My insanity scares me as well as my mental illness. It calls me to go back and I'm slowly starting to go back to it. I don't want to. It hurts so much and I want it to, I want to go to into that realm and be safe from what's going on.

I haven't been informed about Nikolas, I know some people do it to protect others but in the end it's only worse. Matt won't tell me and Veronica changes the subject. I WILL visit him tomorrow, no matter what. Leon's death still haunts me and I was quickly killing myself. If Nikolas dies I think I'll be in a worse condition. The shivers and darkness welcomes me as the bad feeling courses through.
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Sweet Comforting Lies is screaming at me, wanting me to go to him. Nyx why is this happening? Is because my best first friend died at 5 years old? Or is it cause I dated a guy 10 years older than me when I was 9. Is it cause that guy put them up when I was 11 and I figured out when I got to his place? Cause I wasn't perfect like my brothers and parents? Or is life normally Hell?

I like being in red, it feels nice when it mixes with water. I need to stop eating, I really do. I look like I'm pregnant now and I have to cover it up, still haven't lost that fat from 'em. FUCK low self esteem, I can't escape it and if I takes meds for that or sleeping I would over dose. Yeah having your stomach pumped isn't fun but I don't care anymore. I'm getting tired of this. Maybe I'll have a new life, maybe something better than this one...

Far Away From It All

Don't you hate it when you don't want to be with someone but you can't help but be with him and you naturally reply I love you back. This guy knows what happened to my fiance who passed away due to a motorcycle accident but I can't let go. The hallucinations are stronger and I'm getting worse mentally.

People have become ass holes and just ignore ya and they still call you their friend when they talk shit behind your back. FUCK YOU I don't tolerate it and once that happens, sorry not friends anymore.

As every hour goes a minute ticks loudly and the second rapidly clicks. Waiting, phone right there next to the hand. I can't stand car and motorcycle accidents, it's how my fiance died and it's how his older brother is now in the hospital. My mind has been so jumbled and I can't think correctly.
"My butterfly, I’m happy when you’re with me.
You’re everything I need, and everything I see.
These broken wings, will guide our love through the sky.
And take us away from these nightmares…
And these broken wings, they make you taste so sweet. Candy canes and kisses when I fall asleep.
Rainbows and wishes, you take me away.
To another place, so far away.
So far away. "

I love those lyrics the song is so good, for those who are wondering it's by Brokencyde and right now I bet your like fuck no but give this song a chance.

Around the house is driving me insane, LET ME GO, wanting escape the yelling and being a maid again. Then again I wasn't allowed to go places unless they say my friend as their child. Like this one girl they adore and they want me to be like her, well sorry I'M NOT GOING TO, she's dating my ex and has changed. SORRY FOR NOT BEING A GIRLY GIRL, I'm a tomboy who hung out with my older brothers and their friends and did things like them.

The spider has been working the eggs are hatching and I swear to Nyx how am I here? I should have been dead so many times but I'm not. "Reason for everything" yeah things happen, Leon died cause of a drunk, drunk drank drunk drive and kill, no one thinks anymore, people have lost their common sense. I want to go back to sweet comforting lies to be okay, even if it's all lies, I just want to be warm again.

Laying on my bed, sitting, staring at the wall waiting. Waiting to see how he is while the tears silently run down. Locked in a room no where to go. Not wanting to lose someone so close. Almost everyone I know that has been really close have died or have been near death (Nikolas in the hospital). No one has told me his condition an I need to know. It's driving me crazy and scratch marks and getting deeper and the paint keeps running.

Just wish I could have told you I love you before your death, but this time I won't make the same mistake that I did with your brother.

This is so weird now, I hate side effects, yesterday was senior presentation day. People forgot, but I don't care. It was actually really good, my aunt came and I talked to her for an hour. Today was shitty I hate seniors in this one advisory. I can't stand people, someone who was close to me became a desperate ass hole and I'm not the only one who thinks that.

So many people are slipping away again. I'm glad I'm a good actress cause it's so easy to say yeah I'm fine when I'm trying to crawl out of a dark hole covered in sharp spider webs digging into my skin as I'm being slowly dissected.

I like being covered in red, it makes me so pretty.

I weight 141 I've lost 10 pounds and I hate eating but I make myself eat a little so people will stop bothering me. Finally free from the high school, just fuckin ogts.

I hate being paranoid, I'm so jumpy and I have to move my foot or else I go insane. I'm scratching myself too >< I have no nails I made sure of it but I can't stop. FUCK YOU SIDE EFFECTS my mind is so jumbled but why do I go back and look?

"Go back to sleep" Save me, I want my golden boy to feel safe "they don't give a fuck about you like I do" if I didn't have people I'd be like my cousin, except worse and more mentally ill. Hell I am mentally ill and it all started when I was 5. I wish I was average, I wouldn't have to deal with so much shit. I can't stop coughing, GO AWAY it coming again, all of it. Maybe if I go listen to the screaming I can fall asleep, they won't shut up and its making my head hurt. Nyx I hate these you know foile is annoying.

I want him I need him. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE? You were suppose to save me and now the lachrymose is mixing with the paint sure doesn't smell like paint though. I sleep with holding it now the choker, It makes me calm knowing i have a part of you.

LEAVE ME ALONE it won't stop, shadows kidnapping me again, I HATE YOU so much but you make the pain go away, I'm not stable anymore. SAVE ME Nyx please take me somewhere after death, I want to go somewhere like maybe live again? I don't want pitch darkness. I want to go somewhere.

Wrap wrap wrap tighten tighten wrap.

Intermission

I probably won't start doing some things for awhile, *Need to save this site* I heard this from a friend and I thought why not? It can get us to know what's going on with us and my other thoughts are thinking about Sweet Comforting Lies, that it's cold and that they aren't happy.
My dad gets out of the Hospital tomorrow from his other hip surgery (car accident at 19 and it killed his fiance).It's one of the worst car wrecks and for those who go to the fair and see the car wreck it's always 100 times worse. Tis his fourth surgery *total* and it's his other hip, thankfully his leg didn't shatter since the bone is messed up.

I spent time with my mum and for those who don't know I don't get along with her. I am sick and first it was kinda hard but things got better later on.But there were no arguments and my two older brothers came over to get the chair up the stairs and afterwords we talked and had a good time. I was surprised me and my mum watched tv till 12:30am we don't even spend 10mins (less too) together without fighting.

High Schools that don't let go is a bitch, especially when teachers promise you they'll help but don't. I'm getting sick and tired of it * ha! I am actually sick and tired as it's 1:36am right now* I feel like they are yanking on my leash, teachers like me when I was a trouble maker my freshmen and little bit of sophomore year *how I want to block that out* but if a teacher won't let me print I can't do my presentation. I feel so stupid also because my sophomore I started to do sweet comforting lies and it's messed me up I can't think and haven't been able to pass ogts and I'm also suppose to have an iep but apparently I'm not good enough.

This is just a beginning that can scare you away and will show you that this isn't a nightmare and that tis reality.