I gave up

I guess I realized I love my boyfriend a lot and i'm not going to let him go.

I stopped talking to them and it's not hurting me

Now my best friend is a douche and his girl friend is annoying and have been pissing me off to the point I've almost called my dealers these past couple weeks.

He also lied to me and the money I spent majority on my friends was apparently my graduation money. Thanks ass hole.

Can't Let Go

I want the end to begin but not without you,
so easy for me to speak not complete my actions,
divide me that way I can love and hate you baby,
torn between stayin' or keepin' you with me,
I can't let go.

Why, I hate wondering it's killing me every second, not being able to talk to you drives me mad. It's been two days and it feels like years. Now I know why I did heroin. to escape and let the days go by faster.

This love is so dysfunctional,
It leaves me so emotional,
can't take it anymore but I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go.
I try my hardest to break free,
I'm so locked up and you got the key,
I'm in way too deep and I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go oh oh no
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go.

It's like you possessed my brain, I'm addicted. Your always on my mind and I can't get away.

Was sold but now I regret the day that we met,
didn't know that I could hate someone that I love,
I fell in too far and now I'm drownin' save me,
I want to leave you but my heart's sayin,
I can't let go.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and other times I wish I couldn't. These feelings from the past are coming back and I'm not strong as I thought I was.

This love is so dysfunctional,
It leaves me so emotional,
can't take it anymore but I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go.
I try my hardest to break free,
I'm so locked up and you got the key,
I'm in way too deep and I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go.

Please don't do this to me. I need you so bad, no one else can replace you, how you are, the looks, the piercings, tattoo's. Why are you everything I always wanted? You literally know everything that has happened and I can't get away.

No matter how hard I may try,
it just won't die,
the many memories haunt my mind,
I can't understand why,
I still hold on, what went wrong,
tell me is it my fault,
I need to know,
don't wanna guess anymore,
I know I should leave you alone but I just can't let go

I can only cry when you pull away, these memories make me hurt, don't do this. Just tell me the honest truth.

This love is so dysfunctional,
It leaves me so emotional,
can't take it anymore but I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go.
I try my hardest to break free,
I'm so locked up and you got the key,
I'm in way too deep and I can't let, can't let, can't let,
I can't let go oh oh no
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go oh oh no,
can't let go.

How is possible that you can save me, kill me then save me so much. Reason to live, why I lie to others but what has happened cause I know their not like you. They get into fights they know are it is. Mature serious but lil bit of goofy, instruments vocals, personality everything I always wanted and the photos I can't let go, I never could let you go. Even with others you were always on my mind, even on heroin you were always on my mind. Like a leech, can never get away till I die.

Tis an old photo of me, when I was with you, trying to forget, on heroin.

The Funerals went well for today, just wished I didn't see Tobor, I hate him.

Fighting doesn't solve anything in the long run, it can cause grudges and then will find a way to bite you in the ass again.

After the funerals I went home got ready to go to graham, not walking in a short corset dress especially on the sidewalks. Bad things.

Saw some friends did the video and was glad that a friend of mine did mine. Just in case I graduate, ugh I hate OGTs.

PLEASE BE REAL you're the only people that can save me, make em truly happy. DON"T LET IT BE HER, fuck I don't know what would happen if it was her. GO AWAY TEARS I cant hold them back. They make me so happy, I can tell 'em everything. I truly love someone more than my fiance who passed away and that's saying something.

I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. Try not to go back how it was a year ago when I started to do heroin. I need to release these negative emotions but they won't leave me, they cling to me like a demon.

Can't Pass Through

"How can you stay calm when he's dead? He loved you and you denied him! He protected you, tried to fight this guy cause what he's done to you and you don't even shed a tear! My fiance is in a coma and I'm going insane!"
"Vicki I'm sorry... I didn't want it to be like this"
"Why can't you die?! Raven, Michael would be alive! It's all your fault"
"You think I didn't cope when Raven died? Yes I couldn't cry cause of the shock and i know he wouldn't want me to be sad"
"Fuck you Bella, you could never die. You've tried so much and you can't, I hate you cause people close to you die. I hope you die!"
"I'm sorry Vicki..."

Three Days ago Rave died from being stabbed and broken bones, yesterday Vicki Committed suicide.

I do wonder how the fuck I'm alive, and why I am alive. I wish Raven never died from fighting and that Vicki didn't commit suicide. I wish my fiance didn't die from a motorcycle accident as well as his brother. I wished Hitami never committed suicide when I was five years old. I've been blamed for peoples death and they wonder why I don't cry. I bottle it up. It's not easy seeing their body then the casket being closed watching them go down into the Earth. In all 19years of my life I've gone to 50 funerals. I'm not joking. How many have I been blamed for? 20. It's not easy watching my loved ones and my best friends die, or even walking in my cousin who committed suicide. How am I here? Cause I'm important to people despite sometimes i wish I could die, but I may never know who might try the same thing. I hate that feeling that something is stuck in your throat cause your holding back. I wish I never called him because I was going to get beaten up, maybe if I got beaten up he wouldn't have died. I've planned 7 funerals including Raves and Vicki's.

I wish I could cry like others so easily, to let my emotions out, but I raised to hold it back. If my parents ever saw me cry I was punished. I was taught to be like a guy but at the same time to be alone.

"Isabella he's dead, he whispered I love you, do you want me to see you I have Michael"

"Bells, I'm sorry he's....dead"

"Is Bella there"
"Speaking"
"Vicki Hayes committed suicide next to her fiance"

"It's your fault my daughter died, if it wasn't for you she'd be alive"

"Don't be liked Caged canary Sarah"

"I love you my wife"
" Bella your fiance passed away"

"I'm sorry to say Nikolas Oswal died he didn't make it"

I couldn't move I stared in shock I couldn't call anyone, my cousin died when I walked in

"You piece of shit I hope you suffer so much"

"Fucking black cat of misfortune I hope you rot in hell"

It's not easy as everyone's words haunt every second even in my dreams. Wishing this was all just a nightmare, but it's not. Even accepting their deaths, I'm still being sucked into the madness and with other issues I've gone mentally unstable. I can't handle this. Yes Vicki I know you're watching, and there have been times I almost gave into suicide like you. Maybe some day we'll all be together and be able to hang out. I'm sorry that I'm causing others pain but I'm trying to feel better for all my sins by helping people. But not even the weight of on my shoulders can even brush the thinnest dust off my shoulder.

And yes I did take this photo of a friend of mine.

Thousand shades of everything

I broke up with my boyfriend today. Thought it was for the best. I'm not getting help and I'm not getting better. I feel bad that he's hurting so much, but he doesn't understand that it is for the best. I hate breaking up with people but it is for the best.

Screaming and crying in my sleep again, I'm really hating my past and all the shit I've done that is literally fucking me over. I just hope i don't end up like my cousin, I've been getting into fights again. Was taken to the hospital and got some stitches, fuckin knife fights. Thank goodness I said I was on my friends health plan and the bill is being sent to her place.

I'm so confused, I can't get away. I wish I could, I wish I was stronger enough but these damn emotions are messing me up. Sometimes I think it's easier to be emotionless like i use to. Less problems. I don't know anymore, I can't think like an average person can.

I'm so paranoid when family comes over it's bad enough when I'm around crowds I think someone is going to kill me. I feel like I'm drugs when I'm not on any. Then again it's cause of withdraw from months ago, it's from other issues. I hate being fucked over by people. I want a new life, a new brain.

I don't mind being alone, a day of being alone was nice despite my brain yelling and the thoughts. I don't mind being curled up in a ball, I hate thinking that something is here when there isn't and it's going to kill me.

Someday I'll be taken. Soon I bet.

Fading.

So I had fun when a friend came over but before and after I've been wanting to be alone. And no I'm doing drugs, I just want to be alone. Fighting doesn't bother me but it's only so I can be with my group. But other than that I've just been fading away from others cause I want to be alone.

I'm not getting help from my aunt so I just want to be alone and deal and think about things myself. It's also making me want to be alone so I won't hurt someone or lash out.

Never learned

If this makes sense I'm going to be so surprised. I lied, I didn't want others to worry. I HATE YOU STOP THESE TEARS I started talking to them, the old emotions that came back felt so nice, STOP LEAVE ME it hurts so much, I can't stop crying the craving for heroin is so strong. I want to give in but I cant. Until I hear tomorrow is what will decide. I don't know what to do anymore. I CAN'T LET GO. I can't focus, I don't know what to do, I WHY I just want to punch a mirror smoke, drink go back to drugs. I can't do this. I need to fight some body I just I need pain. I feel so numb... Till tomorrow.... is when I find out and when we'll know what to do...