Hello World

This is just a reminder for when she wakes up. Of course since I am new she won't remember what happen. Like the bloody mess from the shattered mirror and the holes in the wall. Revenge, anger, murder, evil it's what I am, then again the sluts are going to school tomorrow unless they don't which might be a good thing for her. Oh how this amuse me, yet she couldn't tell what is going on other than one of us has appeared and is new. It's such a shame, little did she know when she looks more like a boy and talks in our low voice she didn't know that it was me.

"Baby..did you forget to take you meds?"
So glad she stopped taking them, they were giving me a headache and it made us more angry. Are you shocked yet from the different perspective? The fact it's not her usual rant and how her brain is messed up. Little does she know that she is like her cousin, poor girl in denial. It's a good thing her other ones don't want me to take over, her life would be easier and not by drugs, no no no I couldn't stand those.

Well seems like she is starting to realize that one of us taking over.

Zeraku.

Dreams can be nice but the remembering can be deadly

I usually have weird dreams and there's things in them that have a meaning and in someways I wish they didn't. It's impossible for me not to over think.

Like would the people who never talk to me actually try to stop me if I moved to somewhere else? The fact that I love Slytherin I do have Gryffindor qualities but in the end more of Slytherin. And the person who made me do heroin because of what she did to me STOP REMINDING ME and she has reminded me a couple days ago PLEASE STOP is reminded in my dreams and appear. Yeah two years of suffering and doing heroin THANKS BITCH why must these things appear in my dream? The others I don't care about but these two! STOP REMINDING ME It's driving me insane.

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday."
Everyday someone saying something or the feeling that made me use it, that now has given me side effects. Am I scary? I don't remember how I use to be and that's the scary thing.

"Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind."

Ever since I went to who my parents rather have as their child YOU NEVER CARED birthday party is when it all started. The day after as well. The things the pretender didn't know but they did. And did it was starting to happen. Emotions, I never felt so happy. THANKS FOR DESTROYING ME SLUT.
"Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home."
There were times I thought wait a minute CAN'T HAPPEN and I listened to what people said SO TRUE but when things were bad they were there. FUCK YOU. The second year not so much because I was pulling away slightly.WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE LEAVE MY HEAD! I started to put some facts together like the one time they were on and she was on the phone I heard keyboard typing, on her computer their names were there to sign in. The fact her one friend who was forced to be the sister admitted. CREEPY SLUT LEAVE ME ALONE. But when they signed in and made 'em felt better I gave in till I said no they aren't real.IT'S STILL HERE, THANKS, HOPE YOU DIE. They can't be with the facts (they were more). And when she admitted it was when I was basically free basing two-three times a day. IT MADE ME SO MUCH BETTER AWAY FROM EVERYTHING.

"She's lost inside, lost inside"

"It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside."

I started to use heroin so much and when school started I did it the night before when I got back from school.MADE ME RELAX. Did anyone notice? NO ONE CARED No, hell I started to pass my classes but there was one thing I couldn't pass, OGT's. But I was always close when I was on it.

So why is my dreams reminding me of them? LEAVE ME ALONE! Was it cause I want them to be real and know I can be happy again? FUCK YOU EMOTIONS! Or is it because no matter where I go, I'm always going to be reminded. WISH I COULD SHOOT MY BRAINS AND STILL LIVE. Fuck I can't stand this anymore, it's driving me insane, it's making want to go back to my golden boy. MAKE ME FORGET AGAIN.

It's so weird being alone, no one to talk to.

' Your fault your fault hahahaha look at you'

'Stupid'

'Welcome back, would you like one of us to take over again?'

'ha ha ha *laughs*'

*Pouts* 'Good job no more clothes no more food, now your going to be an empty shell'

Except my mpds are going crazy, who would have thought. "baby did your forget to take your meds" If only they worked... No cause it made them worse

All alone in my room when the space is closing on me spinning rapidly as I hold onto my head trying to make it stop. I was so close I called 'em but then I hanged up, problem is they know where I live. FUCK shit this is the not way I need to go FUCK YOU SLUT for reminding me of them. THEY AREN'T REAL YOU TOLD HER ME HIM leave me alone please leave me alone. I'm not stable I'm really not LEAVE ME ALONE. So I told him to take a break I was scared he was yelling I was trembling my body wouldn't stop all the muscles were so tense they started to hurt I had to wait till my body was fully relaxed.

"If you can run in stelletoes your a hooker" SLUT stop reminding me of my childhood/past. All I can do it smile and make sure no one can tell. I hate him HAHAHA CAN'T ESCAPE I can't escape the past as much as I want to. I don't know what to do. "He's real" SHUT UP LEAVE ME ALONE I don't want to go back once I am back to average but after we take a break you remind me. Stop trying! CRAZY I can't fall back I can't go back. TEMPTED to go back and do it but I can't "I think you need to see someone it will help you" LALALALAHAHAHAHAHA no I can't I don't want to, they know so much and fucked me up. They say they want to help to help you but they lie! Their LIARS! They tell everything to them and make your life worse at home, I know what it's like to go to the asylum. I need to get out... Thanks to him I'm not use to being alone and I'm slowly slipping of not being sane.

Song:
"baby did your forget to take your meds"-Meds Placebo

""-Quotes from people
' '- MPDS

Giving up Everything

("this is the
last tear you'll never cry,")

For once i'm not cold, maybe it's cause my long nails are digging into me. Holding back letting the tears shed as I sent it. Is this okay? Is it alright as I'm already thinking of doing heroin or oding?
("I walk alone
Think of home
Memories of long ago
No one knows, I lost my soul long ago")
The phone is under my pillow I can easily call them, I can easily go back to way life as before I met 'em.

It's 5:37am and no sleep, I'm sore, bruised and even cut,("Pain, I like it rough") but it felt so good to be called Silver Wolf. It felt good to be in my old group when we use to walk the streets laughing and playfully fighting, till we actually got into fights. ("SO DON’T SAVE ME!!!") And that's when it started, I use to hang out with my oldest brother's friends and they taught me to fight. I got really good and I joined 'em, we weren't a gang just a group of friends and if someone wanted to fight us we'd fight back. My favorite colour is silver and when I fought I'd have a stance of a wolf. Hence how i got my name Silver Wolf, it felt nice to be with them smiling and laughing and fighting together. Damn why must I see them as brothers?

("you take me away.
To another place, so far away.
So far away. ")

Almost all the guys I hang out with are like brothers but everything. I mean for the first time I was with someone who wasn't attractive, but I can't really stand it anymore (okay that's a lie i can, I loved him 'cause he had an amazing personality. Plus he wasn't that bad)("I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye"). But I can't help a blind person when my eye sight is getting worse. ("I hate everything about you Why do I love you") I just don't think I could help drive and help someone when my eye sight is going down as well.
("And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty")

I left the house around 4:10am and didn't get home till 5am so why am I now writing when it's now 5:45? Cause I had to tend my bruises and cuts and then I started to lay down. I couldn't fall asleep and I was digging my nails in my arms and thighs ("Pain, I like it rough")hoping that the thoughts that raced around would leave me alone. They didn't, things started to echo, my MPD's weren't helping and my right temple was hurting again which was making my eye hurt. I thought I could call my old dealer ("It takes my pain away.") or OD, it literally took me 10minutes to decide which way to go.

("Sharp pain when you breathe in deep
no one to catch your insecurities")

I decided to let go of my everything and give it to someone else. I was in pain and I decided to take my dad's pain pills, Tylenol, advil and some other medicine. In the past I have OD and gotten my stomach pumped and so I was testing how strong my stomach was hoping the pain would go away. After 15 minutes my stomach stopped hurting but then it would go on and off. I was feeling a lil dizzy but after another 10mins I felt fine. I didn't know what was wrong but I did know the pain is gone.

So why didn't I call somebody instead of going back to my old self? I didn't have anyone to call. The person who I usually call and all that is who I'm pulling away from (stupid huh?) ("I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose."). But this one person I know would be helped and so much happier with this person. So I'm pulling away from this person and giving to another to be happy.
("This won't break your heart
But I just think it could
Cause I haven't tried as hard as I should
To separate you from everything I do")

"Why don't you be selfish for once Silv?"
"I guess after everything I've done to myself and hurt others in the past, I guess it's the only thing. I know I need things because my parent's don't give a shit unless I'm like my brothers. But I just can't"
"Is that why you go to us? To not be like your brothers? And try to find yourself? If so I can relate but your going the wrong way dear. It's fun seeing you with us: laughing and fighting. But your body is more fragile, why don't you take care of yourself and try to spoil yourself for once love"
"Rav I can't, when I'm with you guys I don't feel like I'm going the wrong way, I feel like I'm having fun. It's a part of who I am ever since Damian, I don't care if I'm more fragile, I just.... I can't spoil myself unless I know the other person who is letting me being spoiled gets something in return"

("Now I'm thinking back
To what I said before
I hope your heart won't have to hurt anymore
Cause it's really not that sad from here")
("Leave out all the rest")

He patted my head and let me rest my head on his shoulder, I do have a weak body, my body will start trembling and I have to wait till it calms for the muscles to relax. It takes 5-30mins, it's a pain (literally) especially after crying really hard.
("I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect")

("She just walked away
Why didn't she tell me
And where do I
Go tonight")
I hate not being able to tell people in person,maybe it's because when someone cries I tend to cry as well. And so I tend to do it over e-mail or phone because I can't see or hear. I just think it's better than this way and I know the other person would say don't make my choices, well thanks for making me feel like I don't have a choice. This person is very close to me, my longest true friend that hasn't left me.
("That now I'm okay
And for the first time
I've opened up my eyes") I don't really know the true definition of I love you, now i have truly loved Leon and I still can't get over him.
("I'd give you my heart,
And let you just hold it.
I'd give you my soul,
But I already sold it.")

Doing this for someone better ignoring myself and going back to how thing used to be is fine with me. As long as I know their better and happy. I can deal with be calling a special child because I have learning disability that's effecting how I process things. I'm use to be treated like I'm retarded and I know someone who I'm giving everything to saying she doesn't won't ever but how she says it and acts proves her wrong. It's been an hr writing this and searching (6:34am) and I'm wide awake. Thank goodness I'm use to being alone. ("While these walls surround me with the story of our life")

("This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong")

Bands:
Jimmy Eat World-Pain
Three Days Grace-Pain, Never Too Late, I hate (everything about you),Last To Know, On My Own
Linkin Park-Leave Out All The Rest
Trapt-The Last Tear
Hollywood Undead-Circles
Finger Eleven-I'll Keep your Memory Vague
Brokencyde-Kandyland
Red:Pieces