Thousand shades of everything

I broke up with my boyfriend today. Thought it was for the best. I'm not getting help and I'm not getting better. I feel bad that he's hurting so much, but he doesn't understand that it is for the best. I hate breaking up with people but it is for the best.

Screaming and crying in my sleep again, I'm really hating my past and all the shit I've done that is literally fucking me over. I just hope i don't end up like my cousin, I've been getting into fights again. Was taken to the hospital and got some stitches, fuckin knife fights. Thank goodness I said I was on my friends health plan and the bill is being sent to her place.

I'm so confused, I can't get away. I wish I could, I wish I was stronger enough but these damn emotions are messing me up. Sometimes I think it's easier to be emotionless like i use to. Less problems. I don't know anymore, I can't think like an average person can.

I'm so paranoid when family comes over it's bad enough when I'm around crowds I think someone is going to kill me. I feel like I'm drugs when I'm not on any. Then again it's cause of withdraw from months ago, it's from other issues. I hate being fucked over by people. I want a new life, a new brain.

I don't mind being alone, a day of being alone was nice despite my brain yelling and the thoughts. I don't mind being curled up in a ball, I hate thinking that something is here when there isn't and it's going to kill me.

Someday I'll be taken. Soon I bet.

Fading.

So I had fun when a friend came over but before and after I've been wanting to be alone. And no I'm doing drugs, I just want to be alone. Fighting doesn't bother me but it's only so I can be with my group. But other than that I've just been fading away from others cause I want to be alone.

I'm not getting help from my aunt so I just want to be alone and deal and think about things myself. It's also making me want to be alone so I won't hurt someone or lash out.

Never learned

If this makes sense I'm going to be so surprised. I lied, I didn't want others to worry. I HATE YOU STOP THESE TEARS I started talking to them, the old emotions that came back felt so nice, STOP LEAVE ME it hurts so much, I can't stop crying the craving for heroin is so strong. I want to give in but I cant. Until I hear tomorrow is what will decide. I don't know what to do anymore. I CAN'T LET GO. I can't focus, I don't know what to do, I WHY I just want to punch a mirror smoke, drink go back to drugs. I can't do this. I need to fight some body I just I need pain. I feel so numb... Till tomorrow.... is when I find out and when we'll know what to do...

Lost too much blood and his body couldn't
accept the blood. His skull got damaged from the motorcycle accident
and later on that was added to the list.

I really don't know
what to do in life. Three years was like eternity for me him. We've
even dated and thinking back why did we break-up? He made my insanity
go away, he stitched me up for free thanks to his doctor degree, and
yet he taught what he loved the most. Ice Skating and trapeze, and men
you may laugh but I doubt you can perform without a safety net and all
that. He's saved me so many times from parents, school, people, myself.

I think back to the memories and I try not to cry.


11:55pm April, 11th I get a call from his older brother Nikolas. "He's
dead" silence for minutes shaking trying not to cry. "Me and Matt are
here, do you want me to pick you up?" I keep shaking and start to cry.
I go under my blankets sobbing louder. My chest starts to hurt thanks
to breast cancer and I slowly breath "no". I couldn't think my mind was
empty till he said "He loved you so much" I started to sob again
wondering how could someone who was basically my other half be gone.
"Bells do you want me to visit?" I whisper a no then bye and we hang
up. I cry more ignoring my chest hurting, lungs hurting.

I
didn't know who to tell, who I could let someone hear me cry and just
cry. I didn't want to bother anyone this late. I call my friend who
lets me just cry over the phone. I told him and I cry harder thinking
about the memories that happened. He had to go and I used my acting to
skills to prove I was okay and afterwords I just cried myself to sleep.


I wanted to visit him but after the call, I couldn't see his 3 degree
burns, my prince that turned into the beast. His long silver hair
matted with blood, gashes on his sides. I couldn't even whisper I love
you for the last time and kiss him like I did two days ago when he
seemed fine. But then again he could have acted to me so I wouldn't
worry.

I don't think I've ever felt so numb, no one to help
control my insanity when I lose it, to take care of me when I can't
stay at home. Or just someone to talk to about everything.

I
wanted him to do my reference but he said he couldn't. I understand why
he couldn't talk and why he wrote that. But I just wished he could of
cause I know it would have been outstanding. I just wish he could have
lived longer.

For those who really know me the last time I
wore a dress I was 2 years old. He always tried and I put the dress on
just so he could see and no one else. For the funeral I'm going to wear
his favorite dress. It's black v-neck corset dress. I plan to wear
black heeled shoes. with the choker he gave me.

I'm
thinking of dying my hair not red. He wanted to see me with blonde hair
and when my hair goes back to it I'll dye it black with red highlights
just for him.I won't bleach my hair cause it wouldn't be my natural
hair color.

Where ever he is i hope he is happy. I hope that
he also knows that I always loved him and only him despite all the shit
we've gone through.

Rest in Peace Leon Oswal

Why

The reason why so much has happened is cause of one thing. Heroin.

Now for those who are wondering things are fine with me and my boyfriend. As well as with some people.

But today. Things were going really well till I decided to check my myspace. FUCK WHY NOW?! Seriously why now?! Thin gs are starting to go really well, with me and people. It's been about I don't know how many months being clean but why? It's so hard when a friend is sitting right next to me. But I don't know what to do. It's starting hurt, the craving is really strong, I want cigarettes. Can I ever escape? Will this ever end? Can I ever escape? I'm getting tired of this I really am. I don't know what to do, I'm afraid. But I don't know what to do. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll go the the wrong path and fuck everything up again. I can't do this. But I can't go away, I'm afraid to ignore, I'm afraid to accept. I can't pick. I wish this was just a dream like repo men. I just want something happy, why can't I be happy? I've been dealing with being mentally unstable, I'm aching, it's hurting. Thank goodness I'm good at acting.

Either way I just don't want to go back to calling my dealer, is it wrong that a part of me does. To escape reality, and hope it's just a bunch of lies. I feel like throwing up but I can't. I just need to get away. Why now...

Relating to a movie

Have ever you ever seen a clip or a scene from a movie and be like 'yeah that's how I felt' or 'this is how I'm feeling'.

Having two names suck, one that's really popular and another that a book/movie destroyed.

I hate it when your really tired till someone tells you something and you can't go to sleep anymore. Or you tried and you dreamed of the situation you never wanted to experience. Maybe I'm over thinking again, and that something isn't really wrong. but I can't tell my brain to stop.

My thoughts are racing so fast that I can't even pick up what I'm thinking, the echoing is driving me insane but I promised I wouldn't do anything. Maybe after hanging out with everyone. I'm just afraid he'll tell me goodbye. No more.

So weird how person can affect someone so much. He didn't say <3 or I love you but earlier he did. He said we need to talk tomorrow. I can't stop thinking, my breathing isn't helping. Then again I smoked about what? 4 ciggs when I told myself I'll stop. I'm so tempted to buy a pack and get a case from Tropical Trends or HT. I can't get alcohol but I need something to calm me down. But I promised no cutting and if I do I fear I'll do it how I use to. Aggressive. I don't have nails to dig into myself but I want to punch a mirror or something to feel pain. I need everything to stop. It's driving me insane, making my head hurt. I wish I wasn't fucking unstable. I hate how one person got me to stop and now that things are going down everything is as well. I have a feeling i won't eat as much, just lie to others saying i did. I can't still taste you nicotine, and your the only thing that's helping me right now.

I hate you Bella Swan as I know what it's like, but you destroyed my name and I can't tolerate the jokes. But I know what it's like to lose the one you love.

Shell of Nothing

"Call me back later" *never picks up*

"You've made me very very very happy" *rarely ever talk*

"What's wrong?" "Just woke up" "Oh, want me to let you go back to sleep" "it's okay"

I feel like there's nothing really going on anymore, he says he is but nothing really happens with us. I know it's harder since I don't have texting but I feel so distant. Like there's nothing between us. I don't know what to expect other than when I call it doesn't hurt anymore when he doesn't pick up. This isn't a good mind set but I don't know what to do, he's always busy. I love him and he says he loves me but it feels like there's nothing. Just a distant abyss. It doesn't bother me that i can't cry really or when I do it happens when I'm alone. I just feel like an empty shell walking around despite the time he can make me laugh. But not like how things use to be. I don't know anymore...

I took that photo and i know it's blurry and can't tell but I like it that way, I think it has more emotions to it.

Is this how it should be?

A lot has happened since "Screaming".

My middle brother moved back in due to his room mate living with his girlfriend. Help packing was not fun. And now back to how I'm not like my brother and how I can be better. THANKS FOR MAKING LIFE SHITTY

Me and my ex are back together, I'm happy but why do I feel like we're so distant I MISS YOU(no pun intended) He's only about 6hrs away since he's staying at his dorm. DON'T LEAVE ME.We're happy but I feel like it's hard to explain, then again maybe my expression will show ya.

Somebody deleted me SLUT because I told her to delete photos of me in her Photography people album (her photography sucks, floating heads, creeper boyfriend and bad over edited photos)POSER and she deleted me because I told her a professional photographer asks to upload.DUMB ASS. And she copies peoples lives and personalities and complains about things when her life is basically perfect.

I am getting help from my aunt and it's helping. Her son that committed suicide due to drugs and so many mental problems. It's actually helping but at the same time it feels like withdraw from heroin.

"You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie
You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke?It's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive"

Nikki Sixx you prove an excellent proof. Sad thing I've already gone through that, I'm starting to miss heroin.I NEED YOU. And it is because it has done a huge impact on me, I'm mentally unstable HELP and I don't really know what to do. I want to rely on people but I'm so afraid. I feel like I can only go to SpaceCadet *sorry if i miss spell it's 3:11am). I hate how me and my boyfriend are far but yet not, I just need to be comforted and I'm not getting that.

March 28th-29th I started screaming in my sleep again and again my mum wasn't home. The 30th I almost called my dealer, almost punched a mirror and would have been sent to the hospital. I've been trying not to cut but I can't help but give in. Been called a skank and my low self esteem isn't help.

"This is just a courtesy call
(Why'd you want to save me?)"

I wonder about this so much, I think I just bother people because I'm not stable and that I have gone through way too much for my own good. I've tried to disappear but I'm always saved. Maybe there's a reason, like to help my friends and my boyfriend.

The Heroin Diaries is what saved me, when reading it i knew what to expect and how to save myself from getting worse, but like shadows it's always there and will always be lurking no matter what.

"And I sold my soul"

Ever since I was five year old when my friend died from suicide I've always tried, I lost a piece of a me that I can never regain.TAKE ME. I tried everything, I prayed I was a private School Pre K-8th grade and it was hell. YOU NEVER HELPED. When I was in the 4th grade, God was the devil. Free will? AHAHAHAHAHAHA. There is not just one higher power, if he loved everyone and created everyone to love others then why don't gay people get married? YOU SECRETLY HATE EVERYONE GOD. I don't believe in it. It has always made me angry, everyone dies when it's time, yeah being fucking abused so they commit suicide is their time? Fuck you God. Private Schools destroyed me, girls are evil bitches that love attention and drama (not all but majority).

This is not organized, It's 3:25 and I can't sleep. SAND MAN WHERE YOU? I can't stand the yelling and the schoing. LALALALALA I bit my nails cause my nails were digging into my head then I made sure there weren't sharp. IT FELT NICE. I really don't know what to do, I'd be in college but the ogts are messing over. THANKS FOR NOT HELPING ME.

I'll take some photos later today. Some Black and white ones...