Giving up Everything

("this is the
last tear you'll never cry,")

For once i'm not cold, maybe it's cause my long nails are digging into me. Holding back letting the tears shed as I sent it. Is this okay? Is it alright as I'm already thinking of doing heroin or oding?
("I walk alone
Think of home
Memories of long ago
No one knows, I lost my soul long ago")
The phone is under my pillow I can easily call them, I can easily go back to way life as before I met 'em.

It's 5:37am and no sleep, I'm sore, bruised and even cut,("Pain, I like it rough") but it felt so good to be called Silver Wolf. It felt good to be in my old group when we use to walk the streets laughing and playfully fighting, till we actually got into fights. ("SO DON’T SAVE ME!!!") And that's when it started, I use to hang out with my oldest brother's friends and they taught me to fight. I got really good and I joined 'em, we weren't a gang just a group of friends and if someone wanted to fight us we'd fight back. My favorite colour is silver and when I fought I'd have a stance of a wolf. Hence how i got my name Silver Wolf, it felt nice to be with them smiling and laughing and fighting together. Damn why must I see them as brothers?

("you take me away.
To another place, so far away.
So far away. ")

Almost all the guys I hang out with are like brothers but everything. I mean for the first time I was with someone who wasn't attractive, but I can't really stand it anymore (okay that's a lie i can, I loved him 'cause he had an amazing personality. Plus he wasn't that bad)("I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye"). But I can't help a blind person when my eye sight is getting worse. ("I hate everything about you Why do I love you") I just don't think I could help drive and help someone when my eye sight is going down as well.
("And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty")

I left the house around 4:10am and didn't get home till 5am so why am I now writing when it's now 5:45? Cause I had to tend my bruises and cuts and then I started to lay down. I couldn't fall asleep and I was digging my nails in my arms and thighs ("Pain, I like it rough")hoping that the thoughts that raced around would leave me alone. They didn't, things started to echo, my MPD's weren't helping and my right temple was hurting again which was making my eye hurt. I thought I could call my old dealer ("It takes my pain away.") or OD, it literally took me 10minutes to decide which way to go.

("Sharp pain when you breathe in deep
no one to catch your insecurities")

I decided to let go of my everything and give it to someone else. I was in pain and I decided to take my dad's pain pills, Tylenol, advil and some other medicine. In the past I have OD and gotten my stomach pumped and so I was testing how strong my stomach was hoping the pain would go away. After 15 minutes my stomach stopped hurting but then it would go on and off. I was feeling a lil dizzy but after another 10mins I felt fine. I didn't know what was wrong but I did know the pain is gone.

So why didn't I call somebody instead of going back to my old self? I didn't have anyone to call. The person who I usually call and all that is who I'm pulling away from (stupid huh?) ("I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose."). But this one person I know would be helped and so much happier with this person. So I'm pulling away from this person and giving to another to be happy.
("This won't break your heart
But I just think it could
Cause I haven't tried as hard as I should
To separate you from everything I do")

"Why don't you be selfish for once Silv?"
"I guess after everything I've done to myself and hurt others in the past, I guess it's the only thing. I know I need things because my parent's don't give a shit unless I'm like my brothers. But I just can't"
"Is that why you go to us? To not be like your brothers? And try to find yourself? If so I can relate but your going the wrong way dear. It's fun seeing you with us: laughing and fighting. But your body is more fragile, why don't you take care of yourself and try to spoil yourself for once love"
"Rav I can't, when I'm with you guys I don't feel like I'm going the wrong way, I feel like I'm having fun. It's a part of who I am ever since Damian, I don't care if I'm more fragile, I just.... I can't spoil myself unless I know the other person who is letting me being spoiled gets something in return"

("Now I'm thinking back
To what I said before
I hope your heart won't have to hurt anymore
Cause it's really not that sad from here")
("Leave out all the rest")

He patted my head and let me rest my head on his shoulder, I do have a weak body, my body will start trembling and I have to wait till it calms for the muscles to relax. It takes 5-30mins, it's a pain (literally) especially after crying really hard.
("I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect")

("She just walked away
Why didn't she tell me
And where do I
Go tonight")
I hate not being able to tell people in person,maybe it's because when someone cries I tend to cry as well. And so I tend to do it over e-mail or phone because I can't see or hear. I just think it's better than this way and I know the other person would say don't make my choices, well thanks for making me feel like I don't have a choice. This person is very close to me, my longest true friend that hasn't left me.
("That now I'm okay
And for the first time
I've opened up my eyes") I don't really know the true definition of I love you, now i have truly loved Leon and I still can't get over him.
("I'd give you my heart,
And let you just hold it.
I'd give you my soul,
But I already sold it.")

Doing this for someone better ignoring myself and going back to how thing used to be is fine with me. As long as I know their better and happy. I can deal with be calling a special child because I have learning disability that's effecting how I process things. I'm use to be treated like I'm retarded and I know someone who I'm giving everything to saying she doesn't won't ever but how she says it and acts proves her wrong. It's been an hr writing this and searching (6:34am) and I'm wide awake. Thank goodness I'm use to being alone. ("While these walls surround me with the story of our life")

("This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong")

Bands:
Jimmy Eat World-Pain
Three Days Grace-Pain, Never Too Late, I hate (everything about you),Last To Know, On My Own
Linkin Park-Leave Out All The Rest
Trapt-The Last Tear
Hollywood Undead-Circles
Finger Eleven-I'll Keep your Memory Vague
Brokencyde-Kandyland
Red:Pieces