Hot topic (Not The Store)

So I was asked to go to a Thanksgiving meal this Thursday. Well when I told my parents that it was from a church group they asked why? I thought you were atheist? No I'm not I just don't believe in your god I believe in many. Like the sun god? No it's hard to explain, I'm open for bull shit.

That's how it usually goes. I can never really explain cause she wouldn't get it and she'd mix it up. Well my great grandma is Cherokee and she believed in the sun god and all that. I call myself wiccan and if I told her that she'd say it's a bunch of bull shit and make fun of it. My mum is Catholic or Christian (not much of a difference) I went to a Catholic school and debated against the religion for many years. It doesn't make sense at all.

I had to plan a funeral that's this Wednesday and the parents were total ass holes, arguing how it's not there way and other things. (Even had to show 'em my speech cause they were up tight about it). It was a pain and I'm so glad it's going to happen.

How I've been is another time. With stress I wish we could just disappear for a couple days and come back. That would be so nice. I just hate some people and how close minded they can be.

Waiting Farewell

I don't even know how to start other than the fact my head is spinnig and racing. I promised I wouldn't do it and I'm trying so hard as I'm alone.

Waiting for hours staying by his side till his operation. Would things have gone better if he went when instead of waiting? OR would things be the same, I have no clue.

I wrote a poem for the first time in a couple months. First time it got deleted and it made me sad but this one still gets the point.

It's so hard not to do anything, my sharp objects are in the drawer my phone by side, anything can happen. But I'm fighting despite how hard I want to give in with these lachrymose.

He didn't make it through the operation... I whispered it by his door as he was being operated on and I hope he heard it. I told him before the operation but it's not the same, I wasn't with him. I lost not only his younger brother but now him.

RIP Nikolas Oswal

Slowly giving in

My insanity scares me as well as my mental illness. It calls me to go back and I'm slowly starting to go back to it. I don't want to. It hurts so much and I want it to, I want to go to into that realm and be safe from what's going on.

I haven't been informed about Nikolas, I know some people do it to protect others but in the end it's only worse. Matt won't tell me and Veronica changes the subject. I WILL visit him tomorrow, no matter what. Leon's death still haunts me and I was quickly killing myself. If Nikolas dies I think I'll be in a worse condition. The shivers and darkness welcomes me as the bad feeling courses through.
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Sweet Comforting Lies is screaming at me, wanting me to go to him. Nyx why is this happening? Is because my best first friend died at 5 years old? Or is it cause I dated a guy 10 years older than me when I was 9. Is it cause that guy put them up when I was 11 and I figured out when I got to his place? Cause I wasn't perfect like my brothers and parents? Or is life normally Hell?

I like being in red, it feels nice when it mixes with water. I need to stop eating, I really do. I look like I'm pregnant now and I have to cover it up, still haven't lost that fat from 'em. FUCK low self esteem, I can't escape it and if I takes meds for that or sleeping I would over dose. Yeah having your stomach pumped isn't fun but I don't care anymore. I'm getting tired of this. Maybe I'll have a new life, maybe something better than this one...

Far Away From It All

Don't you hate it when you don't want to be with someone but you can't help but be with him and you naturally reply I love you back. This guy knows what happened to my fiance who passed away due to a motorcycle accident but I can't let go. The hallucinations are stronger and I'm getting worse mentally.

People have become ass holes and just ignore ya and they still call you their friend when they talk shit behind your back. FUCK YOU I don't tolerate it and once that happens, sorry not friends anymore.

As every hour goes a minute ticks loudly and the second rapidly clicks. Waiting, phone right there next to the hand. I can't stand car and motorcycle accidents, it's how my fiance died and it's how his older brother is now in the hospital. My mind has been so jumbled and I can't think correctly.
"My butterfly, I’m happy when you’re with me.
You’re everything I need, and everything I see.
These broken wings, will guide our love through the sky.
And take us away from these nightmares…
And these broken wings, they make you taste so sweet. Candy canes and kisses when I fall asleep.
Rainbows and wishes, you take me away.
To another place, so far away.
So far away. "

I love those lyrics the song is so good, for those who are wondering it's by Brokencyde and right now I bet your like fuck no but give this song a chance.

Around the house is driving me insane, LET ME GO, wanting escape the yelling and being a maid again. Then again I wasn't allowed to go places unless they say my friend as their child. Like this one girl they adore and they want me to be like her, well sorry I'M NOT GOING TO, she's dating my ex and has changed. SORRY FOR NOT BEING A GIRLY GIRL, I'm a tomboy who hung out with my older brothers and their friends and did things like them.

The spider has been working the eggs are hatching and I swear to Nyx how am I here? I should have been dead so many times but I'm not. "Reason for everything" yeah things happen, Leon died cause of a drunk, drunk drank drunk drive and kill, no one thinks anymore, people have lost their common sense. I want to go back to sweet comforting lies to be okay, even if it's all lies, I just want to be warm again.

Laying on my bed, sitting, staring at the wall waiting. Waiting to see how he is while the tears silently run down. Locked in a room no where to go. Not wanting to lose someone so close. Almost everyone I know that has been really close have died or have been near death (Nikolas in the hospital). No one has told me his condition an I need to know. It's driving me crazy and scratch marks and getting deeper and the paint keeps running.

Just wish I could have told you I love you before your death, but this time I won't make the same mistake that I did with your brother.