Screaming

Iw as waken up two times due to screaming in my sleep. For those who know me, that doesn't happen. The last time that happened was when I was 9 years old for a reason no one knows and I mean NO ONE. After the second time my mum was wondering if things were okay and I told her it was just nightmares, the thing was it wasn't. It was a part of my past that I thought I could never remember, but because of what is going on, those things are coming back.

I talked to my aunt and she wants me to go to college here then move up there so I can get some help. The thing is the idea of how i wanted to do the second closest to graduating is 18months which is a year and a half. I don't know really, it's all to much...

Might Not Get Better/Might End UP Like Him

"I'm getting worse, the screaming, hallucinations, it's not easy hearing them echo, they won't leave. Always reminding, telling me to cut, to drugs, reminding me by showing my past I can't take it. I can't get better, I might do what my cousin did. There are times I hold my head wanting to scream back making it stop but it doesn't. My dreams have been reminding me and I'm afraid something is going to happen to make my parents realize".

It's been at least 5 months of being off ALL drugs I haven't been smoking ciggs but I've been cutting. Not harsh and aggressive like I use to. I can't sleep well because I've been haunted, my brain is so messed up because of drugs and the things I have gone through. I'm not stable, and some people aren't understanding of it. They think it won't last long, this has been going on for about a month and some friends are just driving me up the fucking wall. I'm already confused, I don't understand my emotions anymore it's like the opposite, sometimes I lash out when I don't mean to, haven't been remembering recent things. I've been so close on trying to kill myself. I really don't know what to do then other than try to understand it.

I hate seeing things I don't want to remember, that I blocked out but now it's escaping and reminding me, the echos of not just me but from my past as well won't stop, seeing someone isn't helping. I need to call my aunt whose son has gone through almost the exact same thing. I'm afraid of what I would do, what I can do and what would happen.

"You don't belong here Hells"
"Then where do I belong?"
"Your suppose to be dead a long time ago"
"Death didn't want me"
"Be careful, death might take you when your finally happy again"
"I know... it's just driving me insane, I'm afraid to date. I've always been known as the black cat of misfortune"
"Try to live Hells, but just to let ya know some terrible things are going to happen to you"

My friend Raven and I talked on Thursday and what's weird is he's kinda right and I'm afraid of what will happen tonight, thankfully nothing really bad happened yesterday night but instead of the afternoon and Friday morning was ugh. I think today will be tonight, lets see what happens.

Run In

This is the second time this month I saw my dealer. The first time i was lucky that a cop was passing by and asked if there was anything wrong and I told him to get the fuck away from me. The cops asked some questions and i told him I felt harassed and I don't want to be asked any questions Thankfully the cop didn't ask me any questions. Today I noticed someone was walking behind me while going to udf and this time I went before 3am I went around 2am and I saw again one of my old dealers. I went in got some water and I noticed he was getting ice cream and I quickly just buy my water since they didn't have any of the crystal light to go and so I just bought the water and left. I quickly went home and locked both doors because I was paranoid and I didn't want to meet one of 'em. It's weird having this feeling in your gut like their after you and trying to get you back but it's ugh. I don't want to, my boyfriend makes me happy despite the distance and he's like me we can be hurt easily cause of our past.
I don't know, I just want to hold onto my boyfriend, I miss him and I don't know if I can wait till the summer.