Can't Pass Through

"How can you stay calm when he's dead? He loved you and you denied him! He protected you, tried to fight this guy cause what he's done to you and you don't even shed a tear! My fiance is in a coma and I'm going insane!"
"Vicki I'm sorry... I didn't want it to be like this"
"Why can't you die?! Raven, Michael would be alive! It's all your fault"
"You think I didn't cope when Raven died? Yes I couldn't cry cause of the shock and i know he wouldn't want me to be sad"
"Fuck you Bella, you could never die. You've tried so much and you can't, I hate you cause people close to you die. I hope you die!"
"I'm sorry Vicki..."

Three Days ago Rave died from being stabbed and broken bones, yesterday Vicki Committed suicide.

I do wonder how the fuck I'm alive, and why I am alive. I wish Raven never died from fighting and that Vicki didn't commit suicide. I wish my fiance didn't die from a motorcycle accident as well as his brother. I wished Hitami never committed suicide when I was five years old. I've been blamed for peoples death and they wonder why I don't cry. I bottle it up. It's not easy seeing their body then the casket being closed watching them go down into the Earth. In all 19years of my life I've gone to 50 funerals. I'm not joking. How many have I been blamed for? 20. It's not easy watching my loved ones and my best friends die, or even walking in my cousin who committed suicide. How am I here? Cause I'm important to people despite sometimes i wish I could die, but I may never know who might try the same thing. I hate that feeling that something is stuck in your throat cause your holding back. I wish I never called him because I was going to get beaten up, maybe if I got beaten up he wouldn't have died. I've planned 7 funerals including Raves and Vicki's.

I wish I could cry like others so easily, to let my emotions out, but I raised to hold it back. If my parents ever saw me cry I was punished. I was taught to be like a guy but at the same time to be alone.

"Isabella he's dead, he whispered I love you, do you want me to see you I have Michael"

"Bells, I'm sorry he's....dead"

"Is Bella there"
"Speaking"
"Vicki Hayes committed suicide next to her fiance"

"It's your fault my daughter died, if it wasn't for you she'd be alive"

"Don't be liked Caged canary Sarah"

"I love you my wife"
" Bella your fiance passed away"

"I'm sorry to say Nikolas Oswal died he didn't make it"

I couldn't move I stared in shock I couldn't call anyone, my cousin died when I walked in

"You piece of shit I hope you suffer so much"

"Fucking black cat of misfortune I hope you rot in hell"

It's not easy as everyone's words haunt every second even in my dreams. Wishing this was all just a nightmare, but it's not. Even accepting their deaths, I'm still being sucked into the madness and with other issues I've gone mentally unstable. I can't handle this. Yes Vicki I know you're watching, and there have been times I almost gave into suicide like you. Maybe some day we'll all be together and be able to hang out. I'm sorry that I'm causing others pain but I'm trying to feel better for all my sins by helping people. But not even the weight of on my shoulders can even brush the thinnest dust off my shoulder.

And yes I did take this photo of a friend of mine.