Might Not Get Better/Might End UP Like Him

"I'm getting worse, the screaming, hallucinations, it's not easy hearing them echo, they won't leave. Always reminding, telling me to cut, to drugs, reminding me by showing my past I can't take it. I can't get better, I might do what my cousin did. There are times I hold my head wanting to scream back making it stop but it doesn't. My dreams have been reminding me and I'm afraid something is going to happen to make my parents realize".

It's been at least 5 months of being off ALL drugs I haven't been smoking ciggs but I've been cutting. Not harsh and aggressive like I use to. I can't sleep well because I've been haunted, my brain is so messed up because of drugs and the things I have gone through. I'm not stable, and some people aren't understanding of it. They think it won't last long, this has been going on for about a month and some friends are just driving me up the fucking wall. I'm already confused, I don't understand my emotions anymore it's like the opposite, sometimes I lash out when I don't mean to, haven't been remembering recent things. I've been so close on trying to kill myself. I really don't know what to do then other than try to understand it.

I hate seeing things I don't want to remember, that I blocked out but now it's escaping and reminding me, the echos of not just me but from my past as well won't stop, seeing someone isn't helping. I need to call my aunt whose son has gone through almost the exact same thing. I'm afraid of what I would do, what I can do and what would happen.

"You don't belong here Hells"
"Then where do I belong?"
"Your suppose to be dead a long time ago"
"Death didn't want me"
"Be careful, death might take you when your finally happy again"
"I know... it's just driving me insane, I'm afraid to date. I've always been known as the black cat of misfortune"
"Try to live Hells, but just to let ya know some terrible things are going to happen to you"

My friend Raven and I talked on Thursday and what's weird is he's kinda right and I'm afraid of what will happen tonight, thankfully nothing really bad happened yesterday night but instead of the afternoon and Friday morning was ugh. I think today will be tonight, lets see what happens.