Lost too much blood and his body couldn't
accept the blood. His skull got damaged from the motorcycle accident
and later on that was added to the list.

I really don't know
what to do in life. Three years was like eternity for me him. We've
even dated and thinking back why did we break-up? He made my insanity
go away, he stitched me up for free thanks to his doctor degree, and
yet he taught what he loved the most. Ice Skating and trapeze, and men
you may laugh but I doubt you can perform without a safety net and all
that. He's saved me so many times from parents, school, people, myself.

I think back to the memories and I try not to cry.


11:55pm April, 11th I get a call from his older brother Nikolas. "He's
dead" silence for minutes shaking trying not to cry. "Me and Matt are
here, do you want me to pick you up?" I keep shaking and start to cry.
I go under my blankets sobbing louder. My chest starts to hurt thanks
to breast cancer and I slowly breath "no". I couldn't think my mind was
empty till he said "He loved you so much" I started to sob again
wondering how could someone who was basically my other half be gone.
"Bells do you want me to visit?" I whisper a no then bye and we hang
up. I cry more ignoring my chest hurting, lungs hurting.

I
didn't know who to tell, who I could let someone hear me cry and just
cry. I didn't want to bother anyone this late. I call my friend who
lets me just cry over the phone. I told him and I cry harder thinking
about the memories that happened. He had to go and I used my acting to
skills to prove I was okay and afterwords I just cried myself to sleep.


I wanted to visit him but after the call, I couldn't see his 3 degree
burns, my prince that turned into the beast. His long silver hair
matted with blood, gashes on his sides. I couldn't even whisper I love
you for the last time and kiss him like I did two days ago when he
seemed fine. But then again he could have acted to me so I wouldn't
worry.

I don't think I've ever felt so numb, no one to help
control my insanity when I lose it, to take care of me when I can't
stay at home. Or just someone to talk to about everything.

I
wanted him to do my reference but he said he couldn't. I understand why
he couldn't talk and why he wrote that. But I just wished he could of
cause I know it would have been outstanding. I just wish he could have
lived longer.

For those who really know me the last time I
wore a dress I was 2 years old. He always tried and I put the dress on
just so he could see and no one else. For the funeral I'm going to wear
his favorite dress. It's black v-neck corset dress. I plan to wear
black heeled shoes. with the choker he gave me.

I'm
thinking of dying my hair not red. He wanted to see me with blonde hair
and when my hair goes back to it I'll dye it black with red highlights
just for him.I won't bleach my hair cause it wouldn't be my natural
hair color.

Where ever he is i hope he is happy. I hope that
he also knows that I always loved him and only him despite all the shit
we've gone through.

Rest in Peace Leon Oswal