Slowly giving in

My insanity scares me as well as my mental illness. It calls me to go back and I'm slowly starting to go back to it. I don't want to. It hurts so much and I want it to, I want to go to into that realm and be safe from what's going on.

I haven't been informed about Nikolas, I know some people do it to protect others but in the end it's only worse. Matt won't tell me and Veronica changes the subject. I WILL visit him tomorrow, no matter what. Leon's death still haunts me and I was quickly killing myself. If Nikolas dies I think I'll be in a worse condition. The shivers and darkness welcomes me as the bad feeling courses through.
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Sweet Comforting Lies is screaming at me, wanting me to go to him. Nyx why is this happening? Is because my best first friend died at 5 years old? Or is it cause I dated a guy 10 years older than me when I was 9. Is it cause that guy put them up when I was 11 and I figured out when I got to his place? Cause I wasn't perfect like my brothers and parents? Or is life normally Hell?

I like being in red, it feels nice when it mixes with water. I need to stop eating, I really do. I look like I'm pregnant now and I have to cover it up, still haven't lost that fat from 'em. FUCK low self esteem, I can't escape it and if I takes meds for that or sleeping I would over dose. Yeah having your stomach pumped isn't fun but I don't care anymore. I'm getting tired of this. Maybe I'll have a new life, maybe something better than this one...